“There is one way to avoid criticism: Do nothing. Say nothing. Be nothing.” says Aristotle. Criticism comes with breaking new ground. Criticism comes with putting yourself out there. But how do you respond when that criticism turns to hatred?
Hatred is a hard thing to handle, particularly when you feel it is unjust. But I’m writing this for you today: DON’T LET IT STOP YOU.
The Man in the Arena by Theodore Roosevelt
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt, Excerpt from the Speech “Citizenship in the Republic” given at the Sorbonne in Paris, France April 1910
We are all people of the arena. Every human has to cope with this question:
What to do when someone hates you
Hatred is a hard thing to handle. Humans usually posses a me-centric view of the world. We’ve all seen two good people can have a vastly different opinion. It happens.
No matter what you do, how kind you are, or anything else, I promise you this: in your human-ness you will attract haters. No way around it.
Haters are are an inevitable part of life if you’re accomplishing anything of worth. You can decide what to do with it.
It will also shock and surprise you just how long some people will nurse hatred. It can be years later and they’re still hanging onto something you barely remember.
Tip 1: Not Every Criticism is Motivated by Hate
- A person giving you constructive criticism wants to help you improve and become better.
- A hater wants to hurt you and wants you to die.
Determine if love or hate is the basis by who gave you the criticism and how it is given. What was the intent? Help or harm?
Why Do We Notice the Negative?
You can be in a crowd of ten thousand and give an incredible speech. One critic blasts you on their blog or on Twitter and what do you notice? You don’t see 100 positive tweets – you see the one negative.
You can captivate your whole classroom but one student has decided to dislike you. You don’t relish 29 joyful happy learning kids – you languish because one student (and their parents usually) don’t like you. (I’ve been there and goodness – it is hard when it happens.)
Understand Critics Math
Jon Acuff talks about this phenomenon in his book Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average and Do Work that Matters calls this “critics math.” Jon says
1 insult + 1,000 compliments = 1 insult
Jon goes on to tell the story of Larry David, the inventor of the hit show Seinfeld, he went to New York and went to a ballgame. When the organizers spotted Larry in the crowd, they showed his picture on the big screen and played the Seinfeld theme song as the entire stadium stood and applauded.
After the game as Larry walks to his car, a stranger drove by, rolled down his window, and yells
“Larry, you suck!”
Which did Larry remember later? The one stranger who said he sucked.
Are you kidding? One rude person can erase 49,999 giving you a standing ovation?
This math doesn’t make sense.
Tip 2: Reject Critics Math
The first step in overcoming critics math is to realize you’re doing it and refuse to go there.
Tip 3: Keep Perspective
For me, when I deal with the haters I admit there’s room enough in this big wide world for both of us. Good people can dislike me. I can even dislike good people. Good and evil is not determined by whether people like you or me. This helps.
I recall a professor in college who drew a little x at the corner of the board. Across the board he drew a cloud.
He points at the cloud and says, “this is the universe.” He walks across the front of the room to the tiny x and says, “this is you” as he addresses the whole class. Then, he says something profound. “Notice that you (pointing at the x) are not at the center of the universe (pointing at the cloud.)”
Tip 4: Center Your Thoughts in Healthy Ways
Nope. I’m not. But we can choose to center our thoughts daily. When hate rears its ugly head — it hurts. And yet it gets easier with time. Focus on your goals. We’ve got things to get done!
Tip 5: Focus on the Likers not the Haters
Stop focusing on the futile: making the haters like you.
Focus on people who like you. Spend time cultivating relationships with those who like you and perhaps they’ll come to love you (and you them.)
Focus on helping and serving others and being kind. Choose to ignore those who may be speaking negative about you – that can quickly become paranoia. Usually people aren’t even talking about you at all – I hate to tell you what I tell myself – you’re not that important. Keep perspective and keep to your task.
So, decide. We’ve already heard Theodore Roosevelt tell us clearly, “It is not the critic who counts” but why do we give such things power over us? Why let haters distract us from living an epic life?
Tip 6: Celebrate Good Times and Progress
My first boss sent a memo to his manager praising my performance. He brought the copy to my desk and I was so excited. I couldn’t believe it. Then, he told me something I’ll never forget.
‘Create an at-a-girl folder for those hard days. They’ll come and you’ll need to remember who you are and who you can be. This is your first at a girl. Keep it.”
I still have the folder and made one in Evernote. It has pulled me through dark days when I failed at something.
We all fall. We all fail. It is part of life.
Tip 7: Keep Moving Forward
Failure becomes permanent only if we stop trying. It becomes success when we learn from it. It also helps to remember the good days when the bad days come.
But let’s be clear about the difference between failure and criticism. Criticism is not failure. Having a hater is not a failure. Being criticized and having a hater is part of being human.
Dr. Phil Adler, my favorite professor, always talked about racism and sexism and how to overcome it. He would tell us that there were people who would not want us to be included in conversations because of our gender or race.
“Be so good they can’t ignore you. The best revenge is success and proving them wrong.”
Ever since that moment in class, I’ve repeated this thought when faced with a hater of me or my gender.
Tip 8: Be Excellent In Your Work.
Your best revenge against haters is to prove them wrong. Succeed and work your best to do a fantastic job at whatever you’re called to do.
Some just want swift justice in their me-centered world that demands it. Well, life is a marathon not a sprint. Be a turtle. (As I share in Chapter 13 of Reinventing Writing.)
Who Hating Really Hurts
Hating hurts the hater most of all. I read a story of the freed slave Frederick Douglas riding a train through Pennsylvania. Told to ride with the luggage, and several white passengers came to the car to express how upset they were. Douglass responds by telling them that he is not degraded but that those who did this to him were degrading themselves for treating a fellow human being with disrespect. (Paraphrased from the story included in Up from Slavery by Booker T. Washington.)
Tip 9: Commit Not To Hate
- Hating is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
- Hating is like tying a dead body to your back – the body doesn’t care they are lashed to you but you bear the burden.
Hating hurts the hater most of all.
When you are bothered by a person’s hate it gives them power over you. They can rejoice because they ruined your day. They purpose is to wound you and cause you pain and would probably only be happy if you were dead. Since there’s nothing you can do to make them happy you have to learn to live with it!
Tip 10: Live Life!
And live with it you do! Don’t just live – thrive and succeed and enjoy your life. Fulfill your mission and spend time loving the 99.9% of people who don’t have a problem with the fact you are breathing air at this moment.
Life is too short to make a big deal of a small person. And hate does that – it has a way of making a person smaller and more incapable of success.
So, my friends – forgive, move on. Do whatever it takes but let go of hate. If someone hates you -sing the song from Frozen and “let it go.”
Haters are gonna hate. The question is: what will you do about it?